Rules of pooing at work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.


FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a fart, a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE NED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ned makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees